Storms

Well neither Jill nor I were safe from the tornadoes this week. I know that Jill has to deal with this stuff all the time in Oklahoma, but yesterday was only the second time in 10 years that the sirens have gone off in Kansas City.

Thought I'd share some pictures that Josh and I took the day before our tornado adventure. Some ugly clouds rolled through around noon and we took these pictures outside of our office window.

This one was taken by someone at the newspaper:

When the sirens went off yesterday, Harper was at the office with me and rather than messing around with the details of where the storm was we just headed straight to the Arts Incubator basement. The images of Joplin had me spooked.

What we found in the basement was pretty creepy, but comforting--a concrete tunnel that started at the Incubator and went for about a block underground. Crazy paranoid that I am, I found a pickaxe and a shovel and walked them to the end of the tunnel. I figured if we went in and the door was blocked by falling debris, we could dig our way out.

Anyway--I'm so happy that my sister, husband, and their daughter were okay in OKC. The tornado was only a few miles from their home. Hopefully we'll have a bad weather break for awhile!

I am slowly going crazy

So this will be of interest to absolutely no one. In fact it may stand to make me look a little crazy. I know that's hard to believe since I am such a sane, well balanced, and not at all hysterical type of person.

But so anyways...Every year I pull out a battered copy of this book called "102 Minutes: the Untold Story of the Fight to Survive Inside the Twin Towers." Let me just back up a minute and say it's a miracle that I'm reading again. Since Harper was born three years ago I can't stay focused long enough to finish a book. I don't mean that she interrupts me, I mean that I really, actually can't focus.

So jumping back into reading was kind of a slow process and it started out well--I reread some Jane Austen classics, I of course read some business-related books, I read some books my Dad gave me that were a wee more intellectual than Jane Austen classics. And let me back up some more and say, as an aside, that my Dad's reading collection intimidates me and I take the stacks of books he gives me, dutifully try to read them (sometimes succeeding), and then I get sidetracked by People Magazine and pretend that because his copy of "An American Tragedy" sits prominently on my coffee table that that's enough to convince people that I am not all about like, Twilight and stuff.

So back to the "102 Minutes" book. The book is about how ineffective safety planning, safety procedures, and safety codes were at the World Trade Center. And also it's the story of what happened inside the towers exclusively from the point of view of the people who escaped and from the loved ones who received phone calls and messages. Usually I skip over the technical parts about building codes and go straight to the stories of escape. So this year's go-round with the book was the first time I actually paid attention to the technical stuff.

Then I got on Netflix and watched every documentary related to 9/11. Then I went to the book store and bought:
"Wake-Up Call: The Political Education of a 9/11 Widow"
"The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11"
"The Ground Truth: The Untold Story of America Under Attack on 9/11"
"Inside 9/11: What Really Happened"

And you know what--three days later I've already blazed through two books. And here's the crazy. I've lost all self-control. Here's what I ordered online yesterday:

"Against All Enemies: Inside America's War on Terror"
"Plan of Attack"
"The 9/11 Commission Report"
"9/11"
"Watching the World Change: The Stories Behind the Images of 9/11"
"What We Saw: the Events of September 11, 2001--In Words, Pictures, and Video"
"After September 11th: New York and the World"
"Debunking 9/11 Myths: Why Conspiracy Theories Can't Stand Up to the Facts"

That's 8 books people. Oh but FYI--if you are looking for cheap books go to the Half-Priced Books website. Even with their crazy ridiculous shipping charges, these books were still just $5 each. Steal!

So there's the most simple explanation that I am riveted by all this information because it's interesting and I'm absolutely sure I will continue to bore you with details both here and in person. Also, I have a daughter and I'm scared about our national security so why not push my paranoia-inducing fear to the brink. Mom--remember when you sent Jill and I "emergency kits" in college which included disposable germ masks and you kept telling us to keep our gas tanks full in case we had to "get out of town"?

It wasn't in anyone's plan that I be normal or well-adjusted.

Finally, let me just say that if you're reading this, I know that you enjoy these posts. Oh sure, you love seeing my daughter, but I know you completely love seeing me become slowly unhinged.

So here's what you can do to help me. Give me a job. There are lots of you out there--maybe you know of some great administrative position in the area of arts, education, youth development, entrepreneurial awesomeness, or general bad-assness. Or, send me some money to go back to school. I'll set up a paypal account--you can donate anonymously and I promise it's okay to donate just because you feel kind of sorry for me and my mild pathetic-ness. Or if you need an architect, hire my personal slave and sole employee, Joshua Best. He'll do a bang-up job.

Finally, I am going to be an ace at 9/11 political background, national security facts and functions, conspiracy theories, timelines, minor and major tidbits of massive amounts of tragedy-related information. Surely this could be parlayed into some kind of lobbying, roundtable discussion, or being a professional party killer. Just remember, it's up to you. Not me. You. If I completely crack it's on your shoulders and I don't think you want to carry that burden for the rest of your lives.

And in closing, in case you are wondering, I would be returning to school for a Master's in Psychological Counseling. Irony? You decide.

Videos unlocked

Now you can watch the videos below. Oops.

Catching Up

So after taking a self-imposed break from work and stress for a couple of weeks, I am finally ready to post some catching-up photos from Harper's birthday and whatnot.

Her school has the sweetest birthday celebrations for each student. Harper got to help make carrot cake muffins in the kitchen for all of her classmates. Then, Josh and I came in as special guests for the actual party. Harper stood in the middle of the room while the kids sang to her and she shared pictures of herself as a baby, and then at 1, 2, and 3-years-old. Then the teachers got out the "jumpy house" for the kids to play in.

Here's a video from part of the birthday celebration (this is probably something only the grandparents will enjoy since it's a little lengthy :)



In other Best news, I finally got to go storm chasing with my friend Mike Smith. He is a former television meteorologist who started his own weather forecasting company about 20 years ago. Recently, he published a book about the history of the weather warning system.

Unfortunately we didn't see anything. Not even a good rain. It was really fun to see the process though, and to find out just how storm chasing works. I hope that I get to go again this season. I would love to join a group here, but I'm not sure I'd trust anyone else to take me.

Storm clouds forming, but they quickly began breaking up.

Mike with his book.

Also, a new hobby for me may be this:

Not that I can do that, exactly. Josh bought me aerial "silks" classes for Mother's Day. It's really just a fun, dance-related way to build upper body strength. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll be able to pull myself up and do a little twirl.

And here's one more video of H with her "church friends," just because. I was cleaning out my camera and thought I'd share:

Happy Birthday Harper!

Party pics coming soon...

Wiped Out

50 to 60 hour weeks for 6 months straight and I am wiped out. That doesn't include all of the hours I've put into thinking, dreaming, and sweating with anxiety about the business. And I OWNED it. I've owned every inch of this business even though I had no technical knowledge of the field to begin with.

The good news is that six months of setting up an office infrastructure, networking our butts off, creating a business and marketing plan and studying for licensing exams has paid off...For one of us, at least. With work continuing to trickle in, Josh can continue to "pull his own weight," so to speak. I however, cannot. It just doesn't look like the market is going to support the both of us right now.

It's frustrating, heartbreaking, and a huge blow to my often-fragile self-esteem. I know what I (and we) have accomplished, but I am so angry that I have to leave this now. I have to switch gears completely and go back to being away from my daughter, my husband, and my household. It hurts.

We did this business thing because not only did Josh seriously need help to carry the load, but because it would give us the chance to be together and to hopefully balance work and family. It has been great in that sense. Working two separate jobs, full-time for the past three years of Harper's life has been unfulfilling, to say the least. Throw in the nearly year and half that Josh was struggling to find work and it was downright excruciating. The last six months seemed to be our silver lining.

I think that we knew we were being a little unrealistic with our goals. But as long as there was a chance we could pull it off--why not take it? I'm very proud that the business is running fairly smoothly enough now that Josh is able to work and bring in a salary. Our hard work has paid off to that extent. But now what do I do?

I've found myself getting a little ugly lately. Seriously envying people who have no financial concerns. Friends who can stay home with their children, or choose to work or not to work, or who have businesses that are thriving, or who can just afford to take a little vacation now and then. Sometimes I feel like the only person going through this, and then of course I remember all the families who have been hit even harder in this economy.

Right now I just feel like a belligerent child, stomping around yelling about things not being fair. Every night I try to go through the list of things I'm grateful for and then I pray for a little miracle to keep me on board with the business and with our dream. And that's really the point to me anyways. The passion isn't necessarily what we're doing day-to-day. I don't really have a big interest in architecture or design. The dream for me is about doing something bigger, better, more life changing, more beneficial to the community, and something we can do together as a family.

I know we'll get there at some point. Things never quite happen like I plan them, but as Josh says, we always land on our feet (no doubt thanks to some great support from our family and friends). I'm really impatient and really exhausted though. I'm really frustrated, sad, and angry.

I was at a conference this past week where the keynote speaker was the author of "Creating Your Best Life." She said something like, people who have achieved great happiness and success have suffered an average of 3-4 major setbacks in their life (this is a really butchered summary of her actual words). I'm sure this is because setbacks build character, make you reevaluate your life, change course, blah, blah, blah. Well my little foot stomping, inner child is yelling: "I'm tired of the setbacks! I've worked too hard and gone through too much heartache! It's my turn to be happy!"

Just so I don't get anymore melodramatic I'll add this last bit...I will get over this. I'll move on and hopefully with all of the "character" I've built, I'll be able to put something new and interesting together. Hopefully it will pay the bills and get us back on our feet. Hopefully it won't take me away from my daughter or my husband for too many hours. Hopefully when the economy improves I'll be able to get back on board with the business or at least some venture that better benefits my family. I'll still be praying for that little miracle, but then I'll get realistic, lighten up, and put together a solid plan. Rebounding has definitely become one of my new and treasured character traits!

Now, since it's late...my late-night, grateful, good things list: thank you mom and dad, thank you my beautiful daughter, thank you my supportive husband, thank you Netflix for the distraction, thank you Alexandria for the sparkly manicure, thank you McDonald's strawberry/banana smoothies, thank you Nebraska Furniture Mart for the 18-month, no-interest financing to replace our broken washer and dryer, thank "The Wire" TV series for showing me the pitfalls of drug dealing tho' in desperate times it's mildly appealing, and finally, thank you for Harper's very first class picture comprised of scowling teachers, silly faces, snotty noses, hair pulling, and visible underpants, for giving me an uncontrollable laughing fit for a good five minutes this afternoon. Felt pretty good. Amen.