Let's play a game...

...I'll start. If you knew that your new home was across the street from a "stigmatized" property, would you still want to move in?

If you don't know what a "stigmatized" property is, google it.

I'm not going to tell you what went on across the street from our new house yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Don't worry. My enthusiasm about our house has not waned from the previous post. That place shoots rainbows and butterflies from the chimney. But let's just say that this Halloween should be interesting...

New Beginnings

This is our new house. We haven't closed on it yet but I think it's safe to say that we will be living here shortly. In the meantime, I have a pretty generous mother-in-law who has let us crash at her place. Someone suggested that I write more about our economic situation; but to do it anonymously so that I can say whatever I want without being embarrassed. Since very few, to no people read my blog I don't think I have to be anonymous. Plus, I'm used to embarrassing myself, so whatever. This will just be a time capsule of journaling for later.

I haven't posted in a year because frankly, the last year has been hell. No deaths, no ill children, no major tragedy--so I try not to dwell or be overly dramatic. But things have been bad, then worse, then better, then worse, then mostly just maintaining. So this post is to new beginnings.

In early 2009, Josh was laid off in a huge wave of layoffs hitting Kansas City in the architecture/engineering/anything-related-to-construction industry. What followed was sporadic work, an attempt to be self-employed and drum up our own business, and a dry well followed by explosive panic and self-deprecation. We lost everything. Our savings, retirement accounts, our sanity, and very nearly our relationship. We lost our home--though it was an awesome, quick sale rather than the foreclosure we were dreading. But for the grace of our parents and families we would have been in someone's basement long ago. If we had no family at all, we would have been in a shelter. We've lost lots and lots of pride.

We really, really tried to make things work financially. But there just aren't quick answers now. Believe me, begging for work is painful, humiliating, and really, super, super humiliating. Rejection is worse. I was lucky to transfer to a new, pretty solid, full time job back in January while Josh, god bless him, spent hours contemplating why he wasn't a good enough husband/father in between those aforementioned rejections. Ugh. So not pretty.

There are probably 100 new and surprising things I learned though:

I will work 3 jobs to pay our bills

I could survive in very questionable housing as long as I have my husband and daughter

When people say that money isn’t what’s important; they’re usually the ones that have a lot

I will sacrifice anything for my daughter so that none of this last year comes close to touching her

Though it’s the toughest economy we’ve experienced, people are still pretty scary mean towards folks on welfare and people out of work

There’s a lot I can do with a dollar

I’m just generally a badass

So that’s 7 things. I’m not actually going to list 100. I think that last one encapsulates pretty much everything you need to know. But back to that house—we looked everywhere for somewhere to live. There were many, many grueling days of wondering if we could afford anything—even a cheap, cheap rental. This house was the last thing we looked at. It was cheaper per month than any rental; it was in fairly good shape; it was owned by someone who ironically, couldn’t afford to keep it and needed to unload it quickly.

Getting into the house has taken every last dime. Luckily, Josh got a very part-time job with a pretty cool non-profit a few months ago. That has helped. We aren’t out of the hole but we’re nearing the top. Our year coming up looks treacherous but manageable. We’re selling a car to save money and familiarizing ourselves with a very crappy public transportation system. We’re still able to send Harper to school, thank god, but that’s pretty much the only major “purchase” each month. I no longer dread getting out of bed every morning.

It’s still hard to be around people who have a lot. It’s so hard to admit that because it’s ugly. It’s one of the things I should have added to that list up there—I’m full of envy—like, a lot of envy. I envy people who take vacations. I envy people who can afford “extras”—like cable and fancy shampoo. I envy people who don’t have to take a calculator to the grocery store. I know one of the hardest things for Josh has been seeing our friends and acquaintances have their second or even third child--knowing we've not been able to afford having more.

But I'm looking at that house as a form of redemption. I don't know what parts of life we got wrong and what parts were out of our hands from the beginning. It really doesn't make any difference to worry about that now. That house will be a safe, comforting place. AND that house has walls and a roof--which is a plus. It even has a basement and a yard--double plus! Harper's best friends live around the corner, we are within walking distance of a park, and WALLS! and a ROOF! And they are ours--we own them...all on our own! When I look at it, I feel like things might actually be okay--even good!  

So here's to new beginnings. May the next 12 months not be a repeat of the last 12. May I remember that Dollar Tree has the best deals when what I really want is to go to Target. May we never forget the lessons that being flat broke has taught us. And when I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, might I remember that the floor I step onto, and the walls, oh those walls, and that roof over my head are mine! My family is there--and my new life is there!

Old Pictures

I love cleaning out my inbox and coming across old pictures. I found a ton my grandpa sent to me a few years ago:

The Van Sickle grandkids:

Mima Tom, 5yrs

Mima Tom, 19 yrs

The Twins

Me and Great-Papa Hartenbower

Hoping to have more as I go through old emails from my Mom and sister. I love, love, love pictures!

On another note, Harper got in trouble at school a couple days ago for "smoking" sticks. I have to admit that this is the first time, as a parent, that I've been kind of mortified. I asked her to show me what smoking looks like thinking that surely, there must have been a mistake. But sure enough, she raised two fingers to her lips and started blowing.

Man. Maybe most kids do this. I'm sure that other parents smoke around their kids and since she got caught doing this with another little boy, I'm going to assume that he taught her about smoking. EXCEPT, the next day when I asked a teacher about it, she told me Harper said, "my parents smoke." Gah. Preschoolers are dangerous. And I totally know that I'm going to be the parent who always blames "those other bad kids" every time she gets in trouble. Dangerous, I tell you.

Weddings, Part 3

Uncle Gregg, Aunt Carey Ann, & Beautiful Molly P.

Jeana & Cousin John. Awesome.

Sharing dinner

Molly, John, Harper

Love. Pure Love.

Austen's noise cancelling headphones for when her parents take her partying

Weddings, Part Dos

The Twins with Austen

Cousins! Harper and Austen

Papa Tom, Uncle Gregg, Brother-in-Law Brad, and Mima Tom

Mom & Dad

The Brothers--Andrew & John giving their sister Kelley a moving toast

Flower Girl Friends on the dancefloor

Cousins with Papa

Mom & Harper waiting for wedding pictures

Family! Andrew, Kelley, Dad, Mom, Alexandria, & Taylor

Weddings!

My cousin Kelley got married a couple of weeks ago. She moved to KC after college and it's given us lots and lots of time to hang out. She asked Harper to be a flower girl and Harper, of course, had a blast!

Kelley and Tommy jetted off to Aruba post-wedding and Josh, Harper, and I were able to stick around in Topeka to spend time with Kelley's older brother John from NYC. He and his girlfriend, Molly, were a huge hit with the big H.

Here are a million gajillion pictures:

The Bride and Groom

Rehearsal

Rehearsal Dinner: Cousin John with Austen, Me & Brad

Alexandria & Serious Josh with Austen

Jill & Cousin John

Storms

Well neither Jill nor I were safe from the tornadoes this week. I know that Jill has to deal with this stuff all the time in Oklahoma, but yesterday was only the second time in 10 years that the sirens have gone off in Kansas City.

Thought I'd share some pictures that Josh and I took the day before our tornado adventure. Some ugly clouds rolled through around noon and we took these pictures outside of our office window.

This one was taken by someone at the newspaper:

When the sirens went off yesterday, Harper was at the office with me and rather than messing around with the details of where the storm was we just headed straight to the Arts Incubator basement. The images of Joplin had me spooked.

What we found in the basement was pretty creepy, but comforting--a concrete tunnel that started at the Incubator and went for about a block underground. Crazy paranoid that I am, I found a pickaxe and a shovel and walked them to the end of the tunnel. I figured if we went in and the door was blocked by falling debris, we could dig our way out.

Anyway--I'm so happy that my sister, husband, and their daughter were okay in OKC. The tornado was only a few miles from their home. Hopefully we'll have a bad weather break for awhile!

I am slowly going crazy

So this will be of interest to absolutely no one. In fact it may stand to make me look a little crazy. I know that's hard to believe since I am such a sane, well balanced, and not at all hysterical type of person.

But so anyways...Every year I pull out a battered copy of this book called "102 Minutes: the Untold Story of the Fight to Survive Inside the Twin Towers." Let me just back up a minute and say it's a miracle that I'm reading again. Since Harper was born three years ago I can't stay focused long enough to finish a book. I don't mean that she interrupts me, I mean that I really, actually can't focus.

So jumping back into reading was kind of a slow process and it started out well--I reread some Jane Austen classics, I of course read some business-related books, I read some books my Dad gave me that were a wee more intellectual than Jane Austen classics. And let me back up some more and say, as an aside, that my Dad's reading collection intimidates me and I take the stacks of books he gives me, dutifully try to read them (sometimes succeeding), and then I get sidetracked by People Magazine and pretend that because his copy of "An American Tragedy" sits prominently on my coffee table that that's enough to convince people that I am not all about like, Twilight and stuff.

So back to the "102 Minutes" book. The book is about how ineffective safety planning, safety procedures, and safety codes were at the World Trade Center. And also it's the story of what happened inside the towers exclusively from the point of view of the people who escaped and from the loved ones who received phone calls and messages. Usually I skip over the technical parts about building codes and go straight to the stories of escape. So this year's go-round with the book was the first time I actually paid attention to the technical stuff.

Then I got on Netflix and watched every documentary related to 9/11. Then I went to the book store and bought:
"Wake-Up Call: The Political Education of a 9/11 Widow"
"The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11"
"The Ground Truth: The Untold Story of America Under Attack on 9/11"
"Inside 9/11: What Really Happened"

And you know what--three days later I've already blazed through two books. And here's the crazy. I've lost all self-control. Here's what I ordered online yesterday:

"Against All Enemies: Inside America's War on Terror"
"Plan of Attack"
"The 9/11 Commission Report"
"9/11"
"Watching the World Change: The Stories Behind the Images of 9/11"
"What We Saw: the Events of September 11, 2001--In Words, Pictures, and Video"
"After September 11th: New York and the World"
"Debunking 9/11 Myths: Why Conspiracy Theories Can't Stand Up to the Facts"

That's 8 books people. Oh but FYI--if you are looking for cheap books go to the Half-Priced Books website. Even with their crazy ridiculous shipping charges, these books were still just $5 each. Steal!

So there's the most simple explanation that I am riveted by all this information because it's interesting and I'm absolutely sure I will continue to bore you with details both here and in person. Also, I have a daughter and I'm scared about our national security so why not push my paranoia-inducing fear to the brink. Mom--remember when you sent Jill and I "emergency kits" in college which included disposable germ masks and you kept telling us to keep our gas tanks full in case we had to "get out of town"?

It wasn't in anyone's plan that I be normal or well-adjusted.

Finally, let me just say that if you're reading this, I know that you enjoy these posts. Oh sure, you love seeing my daughter, but I know you completely love seeing me become slowly unhinged.

So here's what you can do to help me. Give me a job. There are lots of you out there--maybe you know of some great administrative position in the area of arts, education, youth development, entrepreneurial awesomeness, or general bad-assness. Or, send me some money to go back to school. I'll set up a paypal account--you can donate anonymously and I promise it's okay to donate just because you feel kind of sorry for me and my mild pathetic-ness. Or if you need an architect, hire my personal slave and sole employee, Joshua Best. He'll do a bang-up job.

Finally, I am going to be an ace at 9/11 political background, national security facts and functions, conspiracy theories, timelines, minor and major tidbits of massive amounts of tragedy-related information. Surely this could be parlayed into some kind of lobbying, roundtable discussion, or being a professional party killer. Just remember, it's up to you. Not me. You. If I completely crack it's on your shoulders and I don't think you want to carry that burden for the rest of your lives.

And in closing, in case you are wondering, I would be returning to school for a Master's in Psychological Counseling. Irony? You decide.

Videos unlocked

Now you can watch the videos below. Oops.

Catching Up

So after taking a self-imposed break from work and stress for a couple of weeks, I am finally ready to post some catching-up photos from Harper's birthday and whatnot.

Her school has the sweetest birthday celebrations for each student. Harper got to help make carrot cake muffins in the kitchen for all of her classmates. Then, Josh and I came in as special guests for the actual party. Harper stood in the middle of the room while the kids sang to her and she shared pictures of herself as a baby, and then at 1, 2, and 3-years-old. Then the teachers got out the "jumpy house" for the kids to play in.

Here's a video from part of the birthday celebration (this is probably something only the grandparents will enjoy since it's a little lengthy :)



In other Best news, I finally got to go storm chasing with my friend Mike Smith. He is a former television meteorologist who started his own weather forecasting company about 20 years ago. Recently, he published a book about the history of the weather warning system.

Unfortunately we didn't see anything. Not even a good rain. It was really fun to see the process though, and to find out just how storm chasing works. I hope that I get to go again this season. I would love to join a group here, but I'm not sure I'd trust anyone else to take me.

Storm clouds forming, but they quickly began breaking up.

Mike with his book.

Also, a new hobby for me may be this:

Not that I can do that, exactly. Josh bought me aerial "silks" classes for Mother's Day. It's really just a fun, dance-related way to build upper body strength. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll be able to pull myself up and do a little twirl.

And here's one more video of H with her "church friends," just because. I was cleaning out my camera and thought I'd share:

Happy Birthday Harper!

Party pics coming soon...

Wiped Out

50 to 60 hour weeks for 6 months straight and I am wiped out. That doesn't include all of the hours I've put into thinking, dreaming, and sweating with anxiety about the business. And I OWNED it. I've owned every inch of this business even though I had no technical knowledge of the field to begin with.

The good news is that six months of setting up an office infrastructure, networking our butts off, creating a business and marketing plan and studying for licensing exams has paid off...For one of us, at least. With work continuing to trickle in, Josh can continue to "pull his own weight," so to speak. I however, cannot. It just doesn't look like the market is going to support the both of us right now.

It's frustrating, heartbreaking, and a huge blow to my often-fragile self-esteem. I know what I (and we) have accomplished, but I am so angry that I have to leave this now. I have to switch gears completely and go back to being away from my daughter, my husband, and my household. It hurts.

We did this business thing because not only did Josh seriously need help to carry the load, but because it would give us the chance to be together and to hopefully balance work and family. It has been great in that sense. Working two separate jobs, full-time for the past three years of Harper's life has been unfulfilling, to say the least. Throw in the nearly year and half that Josh was struggling to find work and it was downright excruciating. The last six months seemed to be our silver lining.

I think that we knew we were being a little unrealistic with our goals. But as long as there was a chance we could pull it off--why not take it? I'm very proud that the business is running fairly smoothly enough now that Josh is able to work and bring in a salary. Our hard work has paid off to that extent. But now what do I do?

I've found myself getting a little ugly lately. Seriously envying people who have no financial concerns. Friends who can stay home with their children, or choose to work or not to work, or who have businesses that are thriving, or who can just afford to take a little vacation now and then. Sometimes I feel like the only person going through this, and then of course I remember all the families who have been hit even harder in this economy.

Right now I just feel like a belligerent child, stomping around yelling about things not being fair. Every night I try to go through the list of things I'm grateful for and then I pray for a little miracle to keep me on board with the business and with our dream. And that's really the point to me anyways. The passion isn't necessarily what we're doing day-to-day. I don't really have a big interest in architecture or design. The dream for me is about doing something bigger, better, more life changing, more beneficial to the community, and something we can do together as a family.

I know we'll get there at some point. Things never quite happen like I plan them, but as Josh says, we always land on our feet (no doubt thanks to some great support from our family and friends). I'm really impatient and really exhausted though. I'm really frustrated, sad, and angry.

I was at a conference this past week where the keynote speaker was the author of "Creating Your Best Life." She said something like, people who have achieved great happiness and success have suffered an average of 3-4 major setbacks in their life (this is a really butchered summary of her actual words). I'm sure this is because setbacks build character, make you reevaluate your life, change course, blah, blah, blah. Well my little foot stomping, inner child is yelling: "I'm tired of the setbacks! I've worked too hard and gone through too much heartache! It's my turn to be happy!"

Just so I don't get anymore melodramatic I'll add this last bit...I will get over this. I'll move on and hopefully with all of the "character" I've built, I'll be able to put something new and interesting together. Hopefully it will pay the bills and get us back on our feet. Hopefully it won't take me away from my daughter or my husband for too many hours. Hopefully when the economy improves I'll be able to get back on board with the business or at least some venture that better benefits my family. I'll still be praying for that little miracle, but then I'll get realistic, lighten up, and put together a solid plan. Rebounding has definitely become one of my new and treasured character traits!

Now, since it's late...my late-night, grateful, good things list: thank you mom and dad, thank you my beautiful daughter, thank you my supportive husband, thank you Netflix for the distraction, thank you Alexandria for the sparkly manicure, thank you McDonald's strawberry/banana smoothies, thank you Nebraska Furniture Mart for the 18-month, no-interest financing to replace our broken washer and dryer, thank "The Wire" TV series for showing me the pitfalls of drug dealing tho' in desperate times it's mildly appealing, and finally, thank you for Harper's very first class picture comprised of scowling teachers, silly faces, snotty noses, hair pulling, and visible underpants, for giving me an uncontrollable laughing fit for a good five minutes this afternoon. Felt pretty good. Amen.

Old video.



New video.

I am in deep love with this chair and the little girl sitting on top of it...

Ash Wednesday and Applesauce

So what are you giving up for Lent? Tonight Josh and I are going to Ash Wednesday services--the first time for both of us, I believe. I imagine, growing up Presbyterian, that I probably have participated in an Ash Wednesday service but I don't remember.

I have offered a link to the right under "Links I Love" to my pastor's blog. We are getting ready to do a series on death, dying, and the afterlife which coincides with the celebration of the Lenten season.

I feel very lucky that Josh and I found a church for our family that includes many wonderful, diverse, and humble people. I stopped going to church for several years for reasons that were necessary for me, at the time. I'm finding my way back after lots of doubts, uncertainties, and disappointments with the Christian church. I am glad though, (so very, very glad), that we landed right where we did--in this wonderful community of people who challenge us to think, question, and support each other.

And on an entirely different, random note...Harper is a barrel full of cuteness all the time. The other night she was rolling around on the floor after a long day at school, and an intense coloring session on our living room floor. After a bit of playing she said, "my legs huuuurrrrt." Josh asked her why and she said in a whiney, strained voice, "too much criss cross applesauce!"

These are the things I need to remember for later. Probably more funny for me than anyone else, but I love that little girl!

Twitter. Holla!

I just joined the world of Twitter. Did you know that there are now professional seminars dedicated to Twitter? Namely, how to use Twitter to boost your business? Every professional organization I belong to has luncheons, lectures, and roundtables solely focused on Twitter, Facebook, and blogging. So if you'll look to the right, I've included my Twitter feed.

Sometimes I feel old as dirt and sometimes I feel right like a 13-year-old tech nerd. So I'm going to be tweeting on the latest Joshua Best Studio business news, professional topics of interest, and whatever interesting tidbits I find. And you can be privy to these musings right as they pop out of my head and onto my keyboard! Exciting! Riveting! Narcissistic!

Enjoy.

Staycation

I really don't like that word but that is, in fact, what we're doing right now. Harper is in Wichita with grandma and grandpa and we are in a hotel in...Kansas City!

So far we've been out with friends, slept in late, crashed a Staples convention, and just rolled along doing whatever we feel like. It's been marvelous.

Today I caught up with an old friend of mine who was in town. I miss having friends around to whom you never have to explain anything. You just pick up where you left off.

Later, Josh and I went to see "The King's Speech." Really excellent. Tomorrow we will see if it wins any Oscars!

I picked up a new book to read. After a week of Elvis biographies I thought I should go the more classical route so I picked up a copy of Jane Eyre at the bookstore today. It's no "Child Bride: the Priscilla Presley Story," but I'm sure it will be intriguing.

I don't know how we're ever going top to this wild and crazy weekend but I hope Harper's turned the charm way up the last couple of days. We need to make sure the grandparents let her come back.

My Favorite President is Lincoln

Generic, I know, but probably nothing more fascinating than being the leader of the country during the Civil War.

So last Thursday, Harper and I tried to soak up the nice weather. I'm starting to shop for her spring clothes so we went to an outdoor shopping center and ran around, ate lunch at the T-Rex Cafe, and bought a couple of swimsuits, hoping to magically coax summer into existence through the mere power of consumerism.

Harper had a great time, although she was a little frightened of the dinosaur animatronics. She kept her eyes focused on the pterodactyl hanging from the ceiling in case it swooped down to steal her Dino Dogs.

We both loved being outside and I must say that I am braving the cold front much easier this time around having had a little bit of a break from the snow and sludge.

Speaking of warm weather--Mike Smith, an old family friend of my mother-in-law, just published a book last year called, "Warnings: the True Story of How Science Tamed the Weather." Mike is a meteorologist who happened to be on one of the local Wichita channels when I was a kid. His book is a pretty fascinating account of how technology has developed since the 1940's to accurately predict severe weather. You don't have to be a weather dork like me to enjoy the book.

Anyway, I talked to Mike today and he is going to take me storm chasing in April (that is if there are any storms in the midwest that week). Storm chasing is something I've always wanted to do but never really had the opportunity to go. Mike offered to take me and my mother-in-law a couple of years ago but this is the first time I've really had the flexibility to get away on short notice. I'm really excited!!

That's about all for this week. Hope you've had a lovely President's Day!

Happy Valentine's!

Harper likes to read aloud to anyone who will listen. Us, her stuffed animals, her school friends, her paper plates and cups, my parents' CD collection. She holds the book up for everyone to see and makes up words and stories.

This morning she "read" me a Valentine's story at breakfast. I'm only able to understand about 50% of what she is saying as she counts more on inflection and facial expressions to tell a story than actual words. This morning, while holding up a Valentine's card (pretending it was a book), she told me a fascinating story about making "Valentime's" at playschool with her teachers, Ms. Corinna and Jesus. After making "Valentime's", the kids did some Dora pilates. Finally, in the story's grand finale, a monster ate Jesus! The moral of the story, according to Harper? "Jesus loves everyone and things. Happy Valentime's Day!"